“Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him!”

Ian’s teacher, Mrs. Menagh, reminded me of what I had written in my previous blog entry!

Amazing how you eat your words. She was not the first one to remind me either, God already had!

 “And lean not unto your own understanding . . .”

Alright! I will try! It gets terrifically hard, at times! When you feel like everything’s dead inside; when every dream you ever had lies shattered on the ground (well, ok, at least it feels that way), when your heart feels like it’s in a constant state of “scream” . . .

It get’s hard to hang on to God, and I admit that I’m not very good at it, at least not at doing it gracefully, like some of those really amazing Christians you read about—I do hang on, but the “walk of faith” becomes more of a “hanging on for dear life” kind of thing.

And then God comes through again! (Despite the fact that I’ve mouthed off at Him once again and I don’t really deserve it!)

“Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him!”

He woke me up one morning with a scripture, Isahia 45:11

                        “O afflicted city lashed by storms and not comforted

                        I will build you with stones of turquoise, your foundations with sapphires,

                        I will make your battlements of rubies, your gates of sparkling jewels,

                        And all your walls of precious stones . . .”

The city, of course, is me! Now, I’m not keen on diamonds and precious stones, they don’t mean a whole lot to me, but it does sound kind of pretty, once you get to imagining it. I didn’t really think He was referring to jewels though. It was a spiritual thing, about my “inner ruins”, God’s way of saying that, some day, I’ll be able to feel alive again . . .

That’s what I thought.

Of couse, God being God, He likes to illustrate his point. That same morning Ian’s teacher gave me a large amount of money in cash and Gap gift-cards and sent me shopping (not knowing about the scripture God had given me).  

                        “O afflicted city lashed by storms and not comforted

                        I will build you up with new hoodies and cargo pants . . .”

Works for me! I’m a woman! I like shopping! I went with my sister, and it was lovely! We had a wonderful time! When I came back with a red hoodie Mrs. Menagh got all excited, because she felt like God had told her to buy me a red hoodie, but she wasn’t sure if I’d actually like a red one, thus the gift cards . . .

Well, the red hoodie was the first thing I saw when I walked into the store, I had to have one!  So I shopped!

There was also a really cool jacket, but it was an extra $ 100.00 so I opted for a couple more hoodies and a pair of cargo pants instead, I needed those more than the jacket. I felt rather spoiled, shopping at the Gap.

Of course, God being God, He knew exactly how I felt about the jacket. A few days later Mrs. Menagh passed me another $ 100.00, this time from the school counselor, who doesn’t know me, but she talks to the kids once a week.  

I got my jacket! I haven’t bought a new jacket in years!

Is God amazing, or is God amazing?

     I treasure the way God speaks to me in all of this difficulty. When I can let go of my own agenda and let him love me the way He wants to love me, when I can relinquish my death grip on this healing and focus on Him instead, when I can do things His way, which, for the moment means I accept the fact that my husband is sick and need my help to take care of even basic bodily functions and I don’t freak out about it but just humbly serve God in this matter (not that I always manage the “humbly” part, some of those things I sure don’t want to do)—then God comes through for me in the most amazing ways. And I’m not talking hoodies now, that’s a blessing on the side. I wish there were a way to communicate the depth and intimacy that He has accomplished in my relationship with Him throughout this last year, but words will never do! He has surpassed my wildest dreams as to what is possible in this adventure called faith. I  l-o-v-e  where He is taking me! (I sure don’t love the circumstances.)

He’s invited me into His inner sanctuary, He gave me a place to come and be safe, even while I’m doing other things; a place to hurt, to sleep, to smile and to be close to Him, a place of comfort and peace. In my heart I can’t help but to call it the Holy of Holies, even though that sounds presumtuous. That’s what it feels like! God’s place! His “room”! I can come and hang out! And then He hangs out with me when I need to go and wipe a butt!

    I’m reading a book called “Heaven” by Randy Alcorn, a biblical perspective on heaven. I highly recommend it, even though I’ve barely started. It sure shed’s a new light on heaven, and reminds me that, though my hopes are often set on earthly things, this life and this world is not what it’s all about. And I realize that the screaming desires in my heart are not about this life, they are about Eternity, about the life to come, and then I can have peace, because truly the only thing that matters to me is to be with God—and I have that now. I am with Him all the time. I am so grateful for this intimacy, this relationship, and just to think—there is so much more to come.

So for those of you that are in a place of hardship and struggle—let God love you the way He wants to love you! Let Him blow you away with the things that He can do, the places He can take you! Be open for surprises as He takes you on the greatest adventure imaginable, (at least to our finite minds, He’s obviously imagined it before)! It means letting go and doing things His way and it’s not an instant thing, but man, is it worth it!!!

     I had a picture the other day as I walked around the lake.

I saw a big, impressive looking warrior angel, walking right behind me, really close! A bodyguard! It was really cool!  I also had this really protective feeling, coming through from somewhere outside of me . . . whether that was God or the angel I’m not sure, probably both . . .

God has a way of making me feel special! He does it quite frequently!                 

     Blessings to all of you, may God keep you in the palm of His hand, and may He blow you away with His love and His adventures,

I remain in Jesus,

Jaclyn

We still believe for the healing!