Slugging away
The latest in a series of thoughts is that I don’t know what to write. It seems as if time is accelerating. Just yesterday it was April and now May is almost over and I ask myself where the time went. Maybe I’m just getting old or perhaps it has to do with the constant battle to function in an increasingly non-responsive body.
I gotta say, this disease really sucks. It seems like every day I notice something else that is either weaker or dead. The brutal part of it is that the reality of it barely has a chance to filter into my skull before I have to come to grips with another loss.
I am fighting to have a decent attitude but it is tough sometimes. The nights are long. I think that’s the hardest time for me. I have been asking Jesus to carry me through this season, sometimes it’s all I can do to just endure the moment and other times I think I can do it, no sweat. I’ve been grabbing on to certain songs to help me stay, like Andy Park’s Carry Me and Delirious’ Everything is gonna be Alright. If you have any suggestions for new worship CD’s, let me know: one of the ways in which I can be alive on the inside is worship.
A verse that has been meaningful of late is 1 Peter 1:6-7 which reads “I know how great this makes you feel, even though you have to put up with every kind of aggravation in the meantime. Pure gold put in the fire comes out of it proved pure; genuine faith put through this suffering comes out proved genuine. When Jesus wraps this all up, it's your faith, not your gold, that God will have on display as evidence of his victory.”
I still believe that God is able to heal me and it is my hope as well. Meanwhile I’m still here trying to be as much of a participant in life as I can.
Grace and peace.
Stephen Host
Its good that you write even if it takes an effort. you are your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Val (from Abby vin)
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Hello Stephen
You had mentioned in your blog about the season you are going through.
A number of months ago, one of the Tuesday night worship and prayer evenings, was set aside to pray for you and your family.
As we were praying that evening for you, I had a vision.
I saw a season of winter. It was snowing and cold. I saw a shrub that looked weak and sick, it was tilted to one side. A shepherd came and took off his cloak and wrapped it around this weak and needy shrub, to protect it from the cold.
I do agree with you, that sometimes, the things Jesus has us go through are truly brutal.
For my family and me, we have been through so much over the last twenty years. And over the last 8 years, I have not been able to work due to a permanent disability.
When I could no longer work, I was enraged with God. And I told him so; yelling at him. But as time has gone by, it is not him that has changed, but myself. I did not even know I was capable of such annoyance at him, until he started to rock my world. I saw things in myself I did not like. Through such difficult grace as losing my identity in the church and losing my identity of being a bread winner, I have had to deal with my immaturity and begin to find my identity in being a worshiper of God; content with his smile alone. I'm still working on it, but I am not the angry man that I was.
As a family, we have often been without money to do anything; let alone buy food, or pay our bills. A couple of years ago, I had a dream of God providing for our needs. In my dream, I met someone who was quite famous, of noble character and who had great wealth. I was invited to his house. He handed me a small blue bag with a draw string. I opened it to find that it contained 1/4 carat flawless diamonds. Each, was worth one thousand dollars (one thousand dollars is what our monthly rent is). This person said to me: "God had told me to help out your family. Whenever you need money, take one of these diamonds and sell it".
The next morning, I told my wife about the dream I had. We went out for a while, and when we came back; there was an envelope in our back door that contained one thousand dollars in cash. I knew that it was God who provided it and that he was showing me that he was concerned for our welfare. He was concerned for us: a bunch of nobodies, who thought they had been forgotten.
He is still providing for us in our need. When it is truly needed, money has been sent our way; as he has moved on someones heart to help us meet our needs.
He has not forgotten you, or your family.
Nils Langhjelm
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thanks for sharing your world. In the midst of facing your physical deterioration, very few know life as you do. May He continue to meet you in that place that only you and Him know.
Our thoughts continue to be with you.
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