The view from the valley
A reference to the 23rd Psalm
Perhaps it was the discussion about moving me to a hospice, or the information about what it’s like to die of starvation. I don’t really know what triggered it but suddenly there it was. Standing face to face with my imminent departure from this world brought a heady dose of anticipation mixed with terrible sadness. From here the mountains look formidable and unmovable. I find myself unable to move them; death trumpets its victory despite my best efforts to hold on to the threads of faith in the coming healing. Everything I have heard indicates a miraculous intervention by the God who speaks and yet, here am I, barely able to lift even a finger; feeling life draining from this tattered garment of flesh every moment of every hour.
I’d like to say that I’m not angry or disillusioned and not second guessing what I’ve heard about the healing to come, but at times I experience all of that and more. My faith says God will raise me up, and even if He doesn’t, what difference does it make? At times the days grow dark and long; offering no reprieve from the terrible onslaught of continual loss. I am at a crossroad, the physical losses are steadily mounting, and my faith in the healing is being eroded, slowly but surely. And I’m just tired beyond words; seeing the toll it’s taking on those around me causes me to despair deep in my heart.
While I admit that the shadows of death are ominous and somewhat frightening, I’m not afraid of dying so much as of living. It’s a horrific season, of course, and I’d be lying if I said I remain unaffected by it all. To look into the mirror is to view the decay that I feel, to see a shell that I don’t recognize. Yes, of course it’s disheartening to observe such a stark reality peering back at me from the gaunt form I see: I suppose it helps me understand what you see when you look at me. And that makes every visit all the more precious to me. The thing that continues to amaze me is that apart from the physical discomfort, I essentially feel exactly the same. I don’t know what I expected, but the view through my senses hasn’t changed at all. Several times I’ve been asked if I can still feel my limbs, as if the sensation went away with the movement: no, it still hurts when I bang myself, same as always. The only thing that’s changed is the ability to move; for example, the amount of effort it takes to move my fingers, well, the ones that still work, is almost impossible to describe. Suffice it to say that it takes full concentration and much exertion to accomplish even the most basic of movements. I feel as though I’m stuck in concrete that is slowly setting. I got to thinking about how I could describe this dichotomy, being so afflicted yet feeling unchanged; it's like looking out through windows in a house that is in a constant state of accelerated decay. The view has remained the same from the inside where I am, yet for everyone else the shell has undergone such a radical process of decay that I am scarcely recognizable unless you can look into the windows and see that I remain completely unaffected inside. It has been quite the eye-opening experience to witness how deeply people are capable of looking; some of my biggest surprises have been over who can see beneath and beyond my affliction into the inner man and who cannot. I hold no animosity toward anyone; indeed I am ashamed to admit that I seldom looked beyond the shell myself in times past.
Still Jesus walks with me saying “Don’t be afraid.”
And who is to say what will happen?
My friend Brad Jersak asked a rhetorical question; What if you lost all your gifting, everything that you could do for God and had to just “sit”? Who would God say you were then?
I guess that is a real question to me, and I was afraid of the answer that I would hear, like I deserve this as punishment for the things I have done wrong. Don’t laugh, it has been suggested to me that God could be disciplining me. That thought terrified me more than any other. So it took a bit of courage to ask God that very question; who am I to you? And listen for a reply.
The following questions and answers are what Brad would call listening prayer.
This happened over a period of several days, and I wrote it exactly as I heard it.
Ok, Jesus, if we were to play a game, what would it be ?
Pin the tail on a donkey
Perhaps it was the discussion about moving me to a hospice, or the information about what it’s like to die of starvation. I don’t really know what triggered it but suddenly there it was. Standing face to face with my imminent departure from this world brought a heady dose of anticipation mixed with terrible sadness. From here the mountains look formidable and unmovable. I find myself unable to move them; death trumpets its victory despite my best efforts to hold on to the threads of faith in the coming healing. Everything I have heard indicates a miraculous intervention by the God who speaks and yet, here am I, barely able to lift even a finger; feeling life draining from this tattered garment of flesh every moment of every hour.
I’d like to say that I’m not angry or disillusioned and not second guessing what I’ve heard about the healing to come, but at times I experience all of that and more. My faith says God will raise me up, and even if He doesn’t, what difference does it make? At times the days grow dark and long; offering no reprieve from the terrible onslaught of continual loss. I am at a crossroad, the physical losses are steadily mounting, and my faith in the healing is being eroded, slowly but surely. And I’m just tired beyond words; seeing the toll it’s taking on those around me causes me to despair deep in my heart.
While I admit that the shadows of death are ominous and somewhat frightening, I’m not afraid of dying so much as of living. It’s a horrific season, of course, and I’d be lying if I said I remain unaffected by it all. To look into the mirror is to view the decay that I feel, to see a shell that I don’t recognize. Yes, of course it’s disheartening to observe such a stark reality peering back at me from the gaunt form I see: I suppose it helps me understand what you see when you look at me. And that makes every visit all the more precious to me. The thing that continues to amaze me is that apart from the physical discomfort, I essentially feel exactly the same. I don’t know what I expected, but the view through my senses hasn’t changed at all. Several times I’ve been asked if I can still feel my limbs, as if the sensation went away with the movement: no, it still hurts when I bang myself, same as always. The only thing that’s changed is the ability to move; for example, the amount of effort it takes to move my fingers, well, the ones that still work, is almost impossible to describe. Suffice it to say that it takes full concentration and much exertion to accomplish even the most basic of movements. I feel as though I’m stuck in concrete that is slowly setting. I got to thinking about how I could describe this dichotomy, being so afflicted yet feeling unchanged; it's like looking out through windows in a house that is in a constant state of accelerated decay. The view has remained the same from the inside where I am, yet for everyone else the shell has undergone such a radical process of decay that I am scarcely recognizable unless you can look into the windows and see that I remain completely unaffected inside. It has been quite the eye-opening experience to witness how deeply people are capable of looking; some of my biggest surprises have been over who can see beneath and beyond my affliction into the inner man and who cannot. I hold no animosity toward anyone; indeed I am ashamed to admit that I seldom looked beyond the shell myself in times past.
Still Jesus walks with me saying “Don’t be afraid.”
And who is to say what will happen?
My friend Brad Jersak asked a rhetorical question; What if you lost all your gifting, everything that you could do for God and had to just “sit”? Who would God say you were then?
I guess that is a real question to me, and I was afraid of the answer that I would hear, like I deserve this as punishment for the things I have done wrong. Don’t laugh, it has been suggested to me that God could be disciplining me. That thought terrified me more than any other. So it took a bit of courage to ask God that very question; who am I to you? And listen for a reply.
The following questions and answers are what Brad would call listening prayer.
This happened over a period of several days, and I wrote it exactly as I heard it.
Ok, Jesus, if we were to play a game, what would it be ?
Pin the tail on a donkey
why that game?
Because it's fun and we both like to have fun.
Because it's fun and we both like to have fun.
how could we play it?
In the wheelchair
In the wheelchair
what does the game represent?
Finding truth
Finding truth
what truth?
Me
Me
that seems like a poor way to find you, blindfolded and disoriented, is there another game that you would suggest?
No
No
can you explain the game ?
I am hidden, but you will find me by listening to the voices of those who I have sent to guide you towards me. I am also whispering to you “over here” to guide you.
I am hidden, but you will find me by listening to the voices of those who I have sent to guide you towards me. I am also whispering to you “over here” to guide you.
What voices should I listen to?
Murray and the group from Samuel's Mantle, Brad and those who have encouraged you to believe.
Murray and the group from Samuel's Mantle, Brad and those who have encouraged you to believe.
Believe what?
That I have a plan for your life
Do not think that it is impossible, rather believe that it is probable.
Do not add or take away from what I say
That I have a plan for your life
Do not think that it is impossible, rather believe that it is probable.
Do not add or take away from what I say
Who do you see that I am apart from my gifts? Who are you to me these days?
I am the rock on which you have fallen.
I am the rock on which you have fallen.
What does that mean?
Your foundation is firm.
Your foundation is firm.
Will I get up again?
I will raise you up.
I will raise you up.
Lord, who am I before you?
You are my son, a child of wonder.
You are my son, a child of wonder.
And therefore?
You bring a smile to my face because of your wonder at my creation and I will use that to confound the wise.
You bring a smile to my face because of your wonder at my creation and I will use that to confound the wise.
I find this somewhat suspect, as if I'm someone unique. How can I know the replies aren't just the product of a delusional mind?
You can't but I can
You can't but I can
doesn't that type of answer just serve to feed an ego?
It definitely takes some faith to not only believe that God hears but also answers
I’ve had too much experience with God incidents to believe anything else other than he is, he does, he can.
Some of the experiences include being healed of a fractured back, being teleported, thrown to the floor with such power flowing through me that I thought I would die, and dozens of other things that can’t be explained away
Open eyed visions, insight into the lives of others, specific information about them that I couldn’t possibly manufacture
3 years ago I was told that God was going to take away my human authority, specifically that I wouldn’t even be able to raise my arms,
2 years ago I was told that I was going to be brought to near death in order to prepare me for the coming season of authority
I had no symptoms, was 100% healthy
August 05 I was driving south on Townline turning right, into the parking lot of a client, I tried to turn the wheel but couldn’t. I thought, hmm, what the?
Just then a rig flew by me on the right, just near the curb doing about 90
If I had turned I would have been dead.
Immediately after that was when I had the first symptom which was that speaking became slow, I try to rationalize it all, but I can’t.
I think, come on, you ain’t going to walk away from ALS, give your frikken head a shake! And yet I do think I will.
I couldn’t explain why I think I’m so special that I will be raised up, maybe just a big ego.
I asked Brad what he thought about my previous blog entry, and I am enclosing a portion of his reply below. Brad,I hope you don't mind...
We don't need proof to be certain (that ravenous lust of modernism)--rather, we need sufficient warrant to be confident. In your case, you have a good deal of warranted belief:
- you have the testimony of Scripture that our God is a healer
- you have the testimony of modern healings that miracles do happen
- you have been an eye-witness of God's kind intervention in others
- you have personally experienced God's kind intervention in your own life
- and, at this point, your enduring faith is warrant in and of itself.
- you have the testimony of modern healings that miracles do happen
- you have been an eye-witness of God's kind intervention in others
- you have personally experienced God's kind intervention in your own life
- and, at this point, your enduring faith is warrant in and of itself.
So what needs to happen? Do we try to squeeze out a miracle in the flesh. That's never worked well for me... but here's what I'm thinking by way of staying postured for a healing:
1. Continually declare the presence of the King: "The kingdom is here. The Lord is here."
2. Continue listening to what he's saying and watching what he's doing in your heart. Is he declaring things to you? Giving you impressions? Showing you pictures? My understanding is that if, in your spirit, you see yourself healthy and strong, we don't need to sort out whether that is your own construct (let's call it visual petition or visual intercession) or God's promise (let's call that a vision or revelation). In either case, we are interacting with God in the spirit and you can't sow in the spirit without reaping something good.
3. Having recognized that God is with you and that he's speaking/showing/impressing you with his heart (a good question: never mind God's 'will'. What's his heart? Seems obvious), it remains for us to say, "Okay God, AS BEST I CAN HEAR, you are here and you are saying _____________. Until this is proven false, I will continue to lean into it with belief. I will soak in your words, letting them inspire further belief and actual healing.
Well, this has taken a solid month to complete, I would be interested in your feedback.
Peace and grace to you
Stephen Host
2. Continue listening to what he's saying and watching what he's doing in your heart. Is he declaring things to you? Giving you impressions? Showing you pictures? My understanding is that if, in your spirit, you see yourself healthy and strong, we don't need to sort out whether that is your own construct (let's call it visual petition or visual intercession) or God's promise (let's call that a vision or revelation). In either case, we are interacting with God in the spirit and you can't sow in the spirit without reaping something good.
3. Having recognized that God is with you and that he's speaking/showing/impressing you with his heart (a good question: never mind God's 'will'. What's his heart? Seems obvious), it remains for us to say, "Okay God, AS BEST I CAN HEAR, you are here and you are saying _____________. Until this is proven false, I will continue to lean into it with belief. I will soak in your words, letting them inspire further belief and actual healing.
Well, this has taken a solid month to complete, I would be interested in your feedback.
Peace and grace to you
Stephen Host
Stephen,
Thank you for this entry and the effort that it obviously took. Your heart is genuine and God is truly at work in you. I absolutely believe that God can heal you if that is his promise. I have struggled with that notion for years but reading your words makes it more clear to me. I'm reading Acts right now and healing was such a huge part of the early church. Those of us who are, for now, whole in body tend to have our minds clouded by the 'here and the now'. I just happened to be pondering some of these questions tonight and you have brought me encouragement. I pray that God's promises will continue to become more real to you. I pray for your peace and strength for those assisting you. Thanks again.
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Thank you Stephen. Thank you for giving us another glimpse into your heart, and for challenging us (as you so often do!) to look into the face of Jesus and ask HIM what he's up to, not rely on what we see with our physical eyes. Even though you can't stand physically, we're "standing" with you in prayer, with faith in the God who heals!
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Stephen,
My heart aches for you and your family and all that you have been and continue to go through. You are in my prayers and I think of you often. I wish I had something profound to say about your situation, but I am at a loss. So I will just say that I will continue to pray for you and those close to you.
Your Brother in Christ,
Darcy
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Stephen,
Your faith through this experience is inspiring. I just read the story of Job again and there are so many parallels to yours. I think they are relevant and insightful:
Within a short time Job lost his kids, his wealth, his health, even his wife left him.
I believe God allowed Job's suffering for a few reasons:
1. To help us understand our troubles here on earth:
a) Many of our afflications come directly from Satan.
God said to Satan, "despite what you have done Job has maintained his honesty and integrity. You doubted his loyalty and I permitted you to test him. Then you devastated him in a few short hours, for no reason at all, yet he is faithful to me as ever."Job 2:3
b) Sickness & devastation come to the wicked and the Godly - no one is exempt.
God called Job loyal, blameless and faithful.
c) Even well-meaning friends can give us bad advice. If it doesnt match up with God's words it is not the truth.
Job's 3 friends told him that God was punishing him for some hidden sin. Later God rebuked them for this.
d) It is up to God to decide when it is time for us to die.
Just when we think there is no hope, God may perform a miracle of restoration. He has done so many times.Job 33:24-29
e) God allows afflictions to get our attention.
His plan for us is eternal happiness. What happens here is a drop in time.
2. To help us understand God better.
In the end God reminded Job that He is in control of everything in the universe. All that we have comes from Him.
What he wants from us is humility. and
gratitude.We have no goodness in us except what comes from God. Job 38, 39, 40, 41
When Job repented of his self-righteous attitude, God healed him and blessed him with twice as much wealth and more children than before. Job ended up living a long and purposeful life. job 42:5,6,12-17
I believe this story was recorded for times such as these.
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hey bud.... reading your latest entry is like reliving the past couple of years.... the almost accident seemed like yesterday as you described to me what happened that day... but here we are... i wonder some days , what is it that keeps your body alive..... the mystery of this human creation...hmmm... this machine that is destined to die ..yet will hold on to life as long as it can..... almost seems comical...
well my friend ..some days it appears that your journey is almost complete.... at least this part of the journey... your physical body .. as you say looks like setting concrete... becoming more and more difficult to move.... and yet... we still can hear .. see.. feel.. and be touched by your spirit, which is soooo very much alive...
i found myself this weekend pondering what once was.... the late night chats... dessert at afterthoughts.... the rambling in your office... (as you built someones computer).... building or renovating something... a cold beer and ribs at lous.....mmmmmmm.... pulling a sail on the amber.... almost catching the biggest fish ever from 80 feet below (ok sorry , my fault on the net) ... and yet here we are today.... living out life's most amazing experience ever...
my friend .. you are a gift .. to me always.... an encourager... a challenger... a risk taker... a Brother....with a capital "B"....
the miracle may not always look like what we anticipate... or hope for... but whether the miracle is restored body or journeying home .... its still a miracle... and i find myself blessed to be your friend....
thanks bud for still being an encourager even in the midst of your biggest challenge ever...
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Steve,
It is a blessing to read this blog. I, like Darcy, am at a loss for words regarding the suffering God has allowed you to go through. I will keep you in my prayers.
Your bro,
Dave
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Stephen,
"Jesus walks with us" - thank you for reminding me of that again. The biggest challenge is knowing... and more importantly, living that, despite whatever might be going on, he is there. Why does God allow suffering?? This is the cry that has gone up for as long as there has been sin in this world, and we have lots of reasoned discussion, but still no satisfying answer... for me at least, and I don't expect that we will find one in this life. He heals, but not everyone is healed. Why is that? I don't know... and yet, he walks with us, and himself chose to endure the same suffering, and more.
My heart aches for you and your family - I feel that I have nothing to offer in the face of such a challenge, and yet in weakness, I offer this anyways. My prayers, and anything else you need...
Bill
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Hello Stephen
I am reminded of another near death experience recorded in Genesis.
Abraham was told to take his only son, whom he loved and offer him up as a sacrifice. Now, it is God, who is telling him to do the unthinkable. The one who told him that it is through Isaac that your descendant's will be called. Abraham concluded that God would raise him back to life. And so, off he goes to carry out this act of insanity. He prepares the altar, places the wood on it, binds up his son and places him on the altar. Just before he plunges in the knife, he hears God telling him to stop. "Abraham,Abraham!. . . "Do not lay a hand on the boy" he said. "Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God for you have not withheld from me your son, your only son." Gen 22: 11,12
Abraham received him back as though from the dead.
It is said that Abraham is called God's friend. He was the only one in the old testament recorded as being called the friend of God. Why is that? Well, here is my take on it.
When Abraham offered up his son, he shared in the insanity and grief of what it was going to cost God the Father to reconcile the world to himself: The sacrifice of his one and only son.
The Bible does spare us a description of what was going through Abraham's mind as he was called to this insane act of worship. But I think it is safe to say that Abraham experienced no warm fuzzy feelings, and no sense of God's nearness. Instead,what he experienced was raw, dark and disturbing. Shocking! Yet he made the choice and went off to do the unthinkable. This is the truest model of worship that is given us in scripture, short of Jesus' own obedience onto death.
In the NT, Jesus calls all of his disciples his friends. Why is that? I think it is because we are called to pick up our cross, follow him and share in his sufferings. Just as Abraham was called to do the same. This is worship.
When I prayed for you at MEI, back in the spring, I stood behind you and could not see your face. Yet I saw you clearly in a vision. Your countenance was changing. You began to smile and your face became radiant with joy. Later, someone told me that when we prayed for you, you had a smile that grew and grew.
When I got home, I had a vision of an angel coming to you, carrying a hatchet. Rather off the wall, I thought. The next day I was watching the news. They were doing a story on a man who became lost in the wilderness for two weeks, and had survived. When he was later interviewed, he was asked how he survived. He said that he remembered the lessons he learned in a book he read, entitled: Hatchet. It is the story of a boy who became lost, and was by himself in the Canadian Rockies. He learned how to survive, and was eventually rescued.
Paul says this: When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.
I believe that your life is a witness to the church, to put away childish forms of worship, and become like Abraham the man of faith, the friend of God.
Nils
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What a beautiful letter! You are an outstanding young man, Stephen. I have forwarded your "View from the Valley" to a number of people, giving them pause to absorb some very thoughtful material applicable to their own lives. Deut 4:9
While you are waiting on the Lord's will you are painting an incredible picture, baring your very soul, helping us understand your ordeal, backed up by your faith.
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Hi Stephen,
I just had to copy and paste this from the Blue Letter Bible website....it thrills me to the core! It is regarding the Greek New Testament definition of the word "meek" (entry G4239). Here goes....
"Meekness toward God is that disposition of spirit in which we accept His dealings with us as good, and therefore without disputing or resisting. In the OT, the meek are those wholly relying on God rather than their own strength to defend against injustice. Thus, meekness toward evil people means knowing God is permitting the injuries they inflict, that He is using them to purify His elect, and that He will deliver His elect in His time (Isa 41:17, Luk 18:1-8). Gentleness or meekness is the opposite to self-assertiveness and self-interest. It stems from trust in God's goodness and control over the situation. The gentle person is not occupied with self at all. This is a work of the Holy Spirit, not of the human will (Gal 5:23)."
It's encouraging Stephen, knowing that God will do the work in us!
Lord bless and bye for now, judy
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