My year
I have been thinking about the last 12 months; considering the vast changes that have become the markers along the way. In many ways it feels like so long ago that it’s almost shocking to consider that it isn’t even a year since my diagnosis.
Last year in August we were in desolation sound experiencing the true beauty of this incredibly diverse landscape. September we went sailing again with the Epp clan and Alvin failed to get the net around the largest fish I have ever fought to land. Me and Ian got to run along the banks of the Adams River salmon spawning grounds and blast up the Shushwap on Wilf’s new Rinker power boat. November saw us in Vegas, eagerly exploring the Grand Canyon by helicopter, watching the world finals of the PBR, catching the newest production of Cirque du Soleil; the richness of that trip still etched as the best birthday gift I’ve ever been given. Kind of ironic considering the past year. Then the diagnosis that I already knew; the rapid deterioration of my body; the dissolution of a relationship; the diminishing diet.
Last year in August we were in desolation sound experiencing the true beauty of this incredibly diverse landscape. September we went sailing again with the Epp clan and Alvin failed to get the net around the largest fish I have ever fought to land. Me and Ian got to run along the banks of the Adams River salmon spawning grounds and blast up the Shushwap on Wilf’s new Rinker power boat. November saw us in Vegas, eagerly exploring the Grand Canyon by helicopter, watching the world finals of the PBR, catching the newest production of Cirque du Soleil; the richness of that trip still etched as the best birthday gift I’ve ever been given. Kind of ironic considering the past year. Then the diagnosis that I already knew; the rapid deterioration of my body; the dissolution of a relationship; the diminishing diet.
Fast forward a year and see what I now do; a person that I don’t recognize in the mirror; an isolated mind contained in a garment of flesh that barely functions; struggling to consume even the most rudimentary of foods. I feel like a tree that has been stripped of its life giving leaves by the unrelenting assault of a season; the few remaining fragments of a lush past clinging precariously against the cold winds of an approaching winter.
At times I feel adrift in the bitterness of dying; seeing no victory or value in my existence. I don't necessarily understand why I feel so insecure; maybe the lies are getting to me? I keep feeling condemnation for the history I wrote; that I deserve to die; that God has abandoned me. Yes, of course it's a lie! Practical man agrees with the judgment while spiritual me vehemently adheres to the truth which is that Jesus was a sufficient sacrifice for all the sin, not just some. Spiritual me agrees that this present trial will seem as a fleeting memory in the scope of eternity in paradise with my God and loving father.
My hope is in Jesus; for healing and for eternity.
Stephen
At times I feel adrift in the bitterness of dying; seeing no victory or value in my existence. I don't necessarily understand why I feel so insecure; maybe the lies are getting to me? I keep feeling condemnation for the history I wrote; that I deserve to die; that God has abandoned me. Yes, of course it's a lie! Practical man agrees with the judgment while spiritual me vehemently adheres to the truth which is that Jesus was a sufficient sacrifice for all the sin, not just some. Spiritual me agrees that this present trial will seem as a fleeting memory in the scope of eternity in paradise with my God and loving father.
My hope is in Jesus; for healing and for eternity.
Stephen
hey bud.... I've always been impressed by the way you can use words to describe life events... for whatever reason , this illness has somehow magnified your ability to create an amazing colorful landscape of emotion through words... wow.... im guessing thats why i get such good feedback on my published submissions... my ideas and your writing.... all i can do is smile and place credit where credit is due... my friend you always make me look good... and by the way .... that fish story.. is just that ... a story.... is it really a true fish story... ya it is.... i screwed up... the fish was rather overwhelmingly large and my net wasn't big enough... and even if the reflection in the water exaggerated the size ... it still was the biggest i seen... we may never see that fish again .. but that was a perfect weekend to be out on the ocean... lots of great memories and pictures... and oh ya... riding on wilfs new boat... what a riot... you and ian ,face first into the wind... but what i remember most was you telling me about the visions of a worshiping community, wow, kinda ironic how you, a worshiper to the fullest extent... yet your body wont allow you to express the vision ... seems rather strange.... good thing God knows what He is doing..
cheers
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Psalm 40:3
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Courage does not always roar....and you and yours have an incredible amount of courage. We're watching over your babies during the day.
Laura
PS I'd like to use some of your descriptive writing (I think the previous blog entry described your sailing trip) with my intermediate students in my art class if that would be okay. I'm hoping to use the painting with words to create a visual image and your writing is amazing.
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Stephen,
The most important activity in the world is to meditate on the Word of God.Jesus came back at Satan's temptations with,"It is written....".I'd like to encourage you to meditate on the greatest sermon ever preached (that Jesus preached right after His temptation) found in Matthew chapters 5,6,7. The Lord bless you Stephen.
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No value in your existence? Have you ever read any of these comments? More value and help for others than ever! Remember: It´s "just" your body, not you yourself...
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