My hourglass
At some point it has to end; either in a miraculous recovery or a final blow to this battered frame in which I find myself trapped. Mentally as alert as ever, my existence is that of an hourglass, knowing the time is short, and yet watching helplessly as the sand falls, grain by grain from a reservoir that seemed so full so recently, but which now, appears to be just at the last little rush before it drains.
Today, as has occurred on various other occasions, I was unable to swallow; in fact as I write this, I am still on the verge of choking on anything I attempt to swallow. Very sobering; I wonder if I should be doing anything; perhaps praying more, trying to persuade God to have mercy or spare me, but I don’t. I have asked, as have many of you, now I wait to see if the hourglass gets flipped over for another go, or if the sand just runs out.
To be completely honest, I really struggle with the accusations that I have heard. I ask myself if I should have done things differently, spent more time doing whatever it is that a better me would have done. In the end I don’t think so. I lived like I knew how; making bad decisions along with the good; trying to hear through deaf ears, see through blind eyes and doing what I knew; whatever it was that was put in front of me.
I sure hope this isn’t my last entry, but who knows eh?
If so then maybe my epitaph should read “Oh crap! Was that it?”
I remain
Stephen
Hello Stephen, I cannot pretend to understand what you are going through. ALS has got to be the cruelest disease on the planet.
Corrie ten Boom is one of my heroes. Her writing is simple and powerful. Here are a couple of things she has said - a little food for thought for that hungry mind and wondering soul that remain so active in you....
Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.
There is no pit so deep that God’s love is not deeper still.
more to think about
1 Corinthians 2:9-10 (The Message)
...God's wisdom is something mysterious that goes deep into the interior of his purposes. You don't find it lying around on the surface. It's not the latest message, but more like the oldest—what God determined as the way to bring out his best in us, long before we ever arrived on the scene. The experts of our day haven't a clue about what this eternal plan is. If they had, they wouldn't have killed the Master of the God-designed life on a cross. That's why we have this Scripture text:
No one's ever seen or heard anything like this,
Never so much as imagined anything quite like it—
What God has arranged for those who love him.
But you've seen and heard it because God by his Spirit has brought it all out into the open before you.
The Spirit, not content to flit around on the surface, dives into the depths of God, and brings out what God planned all along. Who ever knows what you're thinking and planning except you yourself? The same with God—except that he not only knows what he's thinking, but he lets us in on it. God offers a full report on the gifts of life and salvation that he is giving us. We don't have to rely on the world's guesses and opinions. We didn't learn this by reading books or going to school; we learned it from God, who taught us person-to-person through Jesus, and we're passing it on to you in the same firsthand, personal way.
Praying for you and yours as you continue to dive into the depths of God...
Laura
PS I can't pretend to relate to your present storm...please forgive me if I come across as sanctimonius, irritating over obnoxious...
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Steve,
In all honesty I struggle with what to say or what to do! It's only been in the last few weeks that I have come upon your web-site and blog due to Terry passing it along to us. When I first heard about your illness this past spring both Simon and I were completely shocked. God has placed you on my heart for prayer many times throughout these past few months and I feel compelled to inform you of how much my heart breaks for you and ALL of your family. Firstly, let me tell you how I owe my life to Jesus for rescuing such an inwardly focused little soap opera queen that I was way back then. Secondly, I'll be forever grateful to HIM for placing you in my life at such a strategic time, though many times I wanted to throttle you for shaking me up so much
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Stephen,
Greetings in Christ's love.
In various ways all Christians are led of the Holy Spirit into the wilderness,just as He led Jesus, to be tested, tried and tempted(James 1:2,3; 1st Peter 2:19,20).Christ suffered and we are called to follow in His steps.It's required that we thank Him for all things,especially the bad things.Romans 8:28 makes it very clear that ALL things were designed for our good.When we go through bad things we have the opportunity to develop the qualities of virtue,responsibility,deference, love,gentleness,loyalty,forgiveness,tolerance,self-control,sensitivity, honor,patience,contentment,humility,meekness, and other godly character qualities. God's ways are not our ways, and we need to trust in His love and mercy because He knows what is best for us.Please try to focus on the "benefits" of what you are going through, and then let that be your cause for rejoicing.Please find strength and encouragement in the Word of God; the Psalms seem like they were especially designed to comfort us during seasons of suffering.Above all, don't succumb to bitterness towards anyone; love your enemies. Our so-called enemies are raised up by the Lord to point out offensive things in us that we are too blind or proud to see,and we ALL have blind spots and offensive things in us. God wants us to be reconciled one to another and to live at peace,as far as possible,with all people;that requires death to self and is essential in order for God to regard our prayers and cries for help.We are commanded to overcome evil with good. Condemnation doesn't come from God, but conviction does so that we can repent and be healed, and it's our souls that need healing above all else.Stephen,I'm just a lump of clay like you,being fashioned on the wheel and in the furnace,and this thing called life was designed by the wisdom and mercy of God to be "impossible" to live in our own strength so that we would learn to depend on God. We all panic and get discouraged at times.And we all need a loving and firm boot in the behind at times.Stephen,I'm praying for you that you will pass the testing of your faith, and that you will come forth as purified gold.And Stephen, please pray the same for the rest of us.As Christians we are all members one of another, and we all need each other, and when any of us suffers then we all suffer.Stephen, God is not punishing you; Jesus took your punishment. I'm hoping and praying for your healing too,but if this infirmity takes you to be with the Lord then we just have to trust the Lord that He knows what is best.Have you ever read "Foxe's Book of Martyrs"? It's encouraging to read how those saints were sustained by the grace of God and patiently endured being tortured for their faith in Christ.Stephen, God is there for you too; His grace is sufficient for you too. Stephen, I pray the Lord will bless you with a heart that is loyal to Him and to those under your authority. Love, your sister in the sufferings of Christ, Judy Zevenbergen
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