November 9th
Thank you for following along with my little journey.
Hard to believe it’s been just under a year since the diagnosis eh?
I am pretty much done with the whole process. It doesn’t seem to be looking like the healing is going to happen, does it? I have been getting the “well, at least you know that you’re going to a better place” comments and emails along with the “I think God is just waiting until you do the thing that you’re not” line of reasoning. Well, it’s been fun and thanks for your prayers and comments.
Hard to believe it’s been just under a year since the diagnosis eh?
I am pretty much done with the whole process. It doesn’t seem to be looking like the healing is going to happen, does it? I have been getting the “well, at least you know that you’re going to a better place” comments and emails along with the “I think God is just waiting until you do the thing that you’re not” line of reasoning. Well, it’s been fun and thanks for your prayers and comments.
For the record, I really don’t have to have a reason for this season of suffering. Everyone dies, not everyone truly lives; I have no real regrets save one. I would have preferred to not hurt Jaclyn. Beyond that, it’s been a life of blessing and adventure; seeing God do some pretty cool things in and through my life. I really can’t take credit for the successes that I had because I was just a goofy kid doing whatever God put in front of me to do.
I guess dying is one of the things still on the list yet, so I am attempting to do so in as decent a mindset as I can, with God’s help, of course.
And, yes, I would love to see the victory over ALS, see Jesus get the credit for it and just basically be a pain in everyone’s butt for many years to come, but it’s over, and a wise man knows when to concede. I have given God my very best reasons that I could think as to why he’d be better off to let me live, and I am done trying to convince anyone that I have to be here.
I guess dying is one of the things still on the list yet, so I am attempting to do so in as decent a mindset as I can, with God’s help, of course.
And, yes, I would love to see the victory over ALS, see Jesus get the credit for it and just basically be a pain in everyone’s butt for many years to come, but it’s over, and a wise man knows when to concede. I have given God my very best reasons that I could think as to why he’d be better off to let me live, and I am done trying to convince anyone that I have to be here.
As my mom, who has essentially lived here half-time since March has said, “there is a tiny bit of hope for a miracle”. Yup, there is just as much of a chance now as ever, I guess, because it was always impossible to beat this disease on a physical level. It’s no more of an impossibility now than it ever was .it just feels more impossible because I’m just teetering over the edge of death. Am I giving up? I guess I am. It is just too much for me to hold on to anymore. You know that feeling when you’re lifting something really heavy and your body reaches the end of its ability to hold it? Then you let it drop? You know that sense of relief?
Nothing left to prove. Even as I write this, a small part of me hopes that God will still step in, but I can’t hold on anymore; I am tired of being lonely, tired of feeling like a drooling mess of sagging flesh, tired of fighting down cup after cup of increasingly thin fluids to keep myself in this dying body.
I’m just tired.
Nothing left to prove. Even as I write this, a small part of me hopes that God will still step in, but I can’t hold on anymore; I am tired of being lonely, tired of feeling like a drooling mess of sagging flesh, tired of fighting down cup after cup of increasingly thin fluids to keep myself in this dying body.
I’m just tired.
So, no big sermon, no Hollywood ending, just a skinny guy wanting some rest from the continuous onslaught of itches just out of reach, cravings that cannot be satisfied, limbs that refuse to obey and breathes that can’t be inhaled.
I will try to write more.
nothing especially profound to say....just continuing to watch over your babies while they are at school.....
laura
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Dear Stephen,
My sister Diane Macaulay informed me of your diagnosis of ALS when she first heard.Of course she asked me to pray for you.I have since been keenly following your story.Your very eloquent writing of your struggle with life and death have provoked some people,including myself,to a deeper search of God's word and understanding of His way - resulting in hope and love - as paradoxical as that might seem."And not only so,but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us"(Romans 5:3-5).Could it be that your struggle was not with "having enough faith" to receive "healing",but simply having faith in God alone? Trusting Him with your future - whether that means life or death - is the issue.I believe,dear brother in Christ,that you have gained the last great victory and hence,peace within your soul."So when this corruptible shall have put on incorruption,and this mortal shall have put on immortality,then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written,Death is swallowed up in victory. O death,where is thy sting? O grave,where is thy victory?"(1 Corinthians 15:54,55).Laying down the "right" to being healed is a quantum leap in your faith and I pray God would flood you with His presence and joy through Christ Jesus our Lord.
Love in Christ,
Karen Bombardier
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Thanks again for your honesty, Stephen. Totally agree that a miracle is as possible now as when you were first diagnosed, but also understand how you can come to the end of your own strength to hang on (I appreciate that example you gave). So we keep hanging on for you, no matter what comes. We continue to pray you through this time, whatever comes. We love you and your family, man.
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Hey Brother
God... What can anyone say to that? Your courage is humbling.
We have all made mistakes Stephen. The only wrong done through, is when people hold judgement over our heads refusing to forgive. You are a beautiful person, and I am so proud to call you my brother. So rarely are people of the same "family" born into the same family... if you catch my drift. I have tried to see this situation as some sort of learning process, as I believe all of life is, and I tell you, peoples true colors have been exposed. Mom is my new hero! The strength that I have seen in her amazes me, we are truly blessed to have her as our mother. When I am sitting beside you and you cant seem to get the air... my heart breaks and I find myself just asking God to relieve you of your suffering. Tears inevitably follow. And all the while, mom stands firm in her conviction that you will be ok. How the two of you hold it together is unreal.
I know there is nothing I can say to make you feel any better Stephen, but I hope you know how much I love you.
Whatever Gods plan is for you, whether it is healing or a free ride home... hold strong brother, and know how much you are loved. +
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Stephen,
You and your family are in in my prayers and thoughts daily. Just when you think you have everything figured out, the rules change, eh? I have nothing particularly wise to say as I'm sure you've heard and thought it all.
In my somewhat 'challenging' life, as I've moved forward I've discovered that God really has a sense of humour. Do you know how I know this? Simple... make a plan. Then see what God has planned for you. I don't say this other than to let you know that sometimes God has other ideas for what we plan for our lives. Each one of us are a testament to that.
Blessings to you Steve. You're in our prayers.
Jim Bugg
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Hi Steve, I just want to thank you for our 15 years of friendship and all that has happened in that time; It's incredible how this last year has unfolded for you, and I'm still shocked that this is really happening. I want to mention some of the things that I am so grateful for.....things that you've poured into my life...just to list a few: You helped me get my first job at the store - working with you!, You helped me design and order the guitar I still play today, got me into street biking, and made sure I had a bike to ride all the time (even now!), You were my best-man at my wedding, paid for countless meals when going out, gave me my first cup of coffee with brown sugar in it, and gave good counsel when life didn't make sense... had some of the craziest uncontrollable midnight laughs that wouldn't stop (can't remember what they were about), and later on, advice to marry Tracy!
Thank you for being so giving, so generous, I have been truly blessed and marked by your life. You are a true friend that few people find. I pray that your prayers are answered soon.
Love,
Ken
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Steve....You rock...always have, always will. We love you so much.
(and yes, I must thank you too for giving kenny the advice to marry the wild and unruley girl with the pink wigs and furry boots!)
peace and rest to you
~t~
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Well Stephen, here I sit,expecting a miracle to flash like a wave over beach...only to discover that the wave,is like a tsunami,full of turmoil and strife. Lately I can't stop wondering how I fit into this situation... I know in my heart that I am here with a purpose, and that is to ensure that you are well looked after, and have your needs fulfilled. As always, most of my concerns,get put onto the back burner, so that I can take care of other people. I will continue to be there for you. I know that you would do the same for me if the situation was reversed... As always, rest well for tomorrow there will be another battle to be fought...Your friend...Dave B.
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