December 22
It’s 5:10 am and I am awake; if you can call this dizzy half baked state awake. I’ve lost count of the mornings I have lain semiconscious just letting the minutes dribble away while my carcass prods me with pains I cannot alleviate, itches so intensely fierce my eyes water and liquids I cannot swallow. The cruel irony of being so hyper sensitive while being a spectator in this body increases daily. I was trying to remember my last meal; it’s been quite some time; probably two months since I actually ate something solid. As I recall, it was butter chicken from my favorite Asian restaurant. As things are now, my diet is primarily water, at least when I can swallow. I am still trying to augment with the odd venti extra shot Americano misto with 3 sugars,but the season for recreational drinking is seemingly past.
Today I was quite sick, actually had some frightening moments when I was completely unable to breathe due to the retching. I kept thinking, my poor mom; she has become my support in so many ways. Who would have known that mom would sacrifice so much of her life to care for me? I have been under 24/7 care of mom and Dave (my other hero) since August. Mom, you’ll never know how much it means to me that you’re here, week after week, willingly giving of yourself without hesitation.
My spirits are definitely down, which is undoubtedly related to the physical duress of this process. I am battling fatigue and frustration at levels I truly did not know even existed. It seems as if each day is a new definition of being completely spent.
I have been trying to determine the best answer to the oft asked “how are you?” My current answer is “I am almost home.” which is probably somewhat cryptic and vague but it captures the essence of the goal upon which my heart is fixed. Comrades, I have not yielded. I am still negotiating for a settlement that would see my body restored. At the same time I am longing for my true home.
God alone knows the outcome of this story, so I wait, like Psalm 39, I also ask,
4-6 "Tell me, what's going on, God?
How long do I have to live?
Give me the bad news!
You've kept me on pretty short rations;
my life is string too short to be saved.
Oh! we're all puffs of air.
Oh! we're all shadows in a campfire.
Oh! we're just spit in the wind.
We make our pile, and then we leave it.
7-11 "What am I doing in the meantime, Lord?
Hoping, that's what I'm doing—hoping
You'll save me from a rebel life,
save me from the contempt of dunces.
I'll say no more, I'll shut my mouth,
since you, Lord, are behind all this.
But I can't take it much longer.
Well, it’s now 7 am, almost 2 hours to type this; sheesh!
I’m not great with the whole blessing thing, so inasmuch as I am able, I bless you with the wonder of the God who submitted himself to human birth for your sake.
Be well!
Hi Stephen,
I don't really know you, although I believe we both went to Abby Vineyard at the same time. Anyway, it's 2:30 a.m. where I am, near Sydney, Australia (working with YWAM) and I was just up writing a song that I thought I should share with you. I wrote it before I read this blog you just sent out. I just finished and decided to check my email hoping for something encouraging. I am just really thankful for the light of God I am receiving through your entries. Thank you.
Before I Go to Sleep
It's easy to say things, to you before i go to sleep,
to try to tide things over, to make it all okay and clean, cause
i'll wait until its dark out to pocket all my light thats from You,
half believing I'm an island, the other half I must appeal to
before I sleep.
And I'm
doing it right now, doing it right now, doing it right now-ah-ow.
(What am I) doing it right now, doing it right now, doing it right now-ah-ow.
I'm sorry bout all this, for trying to grab the wheel while you're driving
and I tried to grab the keys, this morning and hop in without You.
Though I knew I couldn't drive worth a dime but in my mind I needed air,
All the traffic and exhaust, all around me I forget that you're here
when I'm not looking.
So I'm
doing it right now, doing it right now, doing it right now-ah-ow.
(What am I) doing it right now, doing it right now, doing it right now-ah-ow.
so here are my eyes
here are my ears
here is my nose
here is my throat
here are my fingers
here are my toes
here is my brain
and here is my heart
and here are all my parts,
somehow they're all here.
And you're
doing it right now, doing it right now, doing it right now-ah-ow
(Always) doing it right now, doing it right now, doing it right now-ah-ow
And you're
Breathing on my bones, breathing on my bones, breathing on my dry-y bones.
(Fresh air) breathing on my bones, breathing on my bones, breathing on my dry-y bones.
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Good morning, Stephen.....
funny thing about long nights, Bethany has a new cat and it meows a lot so I get to cat sit in the middle of the night - it also has a cold and it just sneezed on my head - yech! The picture is crazy - I am sitting in my chair, the cat is on the head rest, the dog is behind the chair whining at the cat and because of your morning epistle, i am again thankful for the small pleasures that mark my day. Your writing has landed in my gut - and I am grateful for the ministry you now have. I am totally paranoid about being "religious" but you do have an pretty amazing story and yet I would trade it all for your healing. In looking back over this writing, I know that I can't understand what you are currently in the middle but once more let me reassure you that your babies are well cared for at school - we love them.
Laura
PS Brian videoed the concert - I'm not sure how to burn a copy of it but would that be something I could do for you???
L
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Dear Steve,
No matter what I said was "the Starbucks secret" so many years ago, I've always loved the stuff!!
Today I cry. Finally. There are a lot of pieces in my life's puzzle that have so long been without any fitting match. And when, unexpectedly, I can even seemingly fit two together I am amazed and frightened at what I see. It may be a very limited situational metaphor but I believe one exists nonetheless.
For decades, disappointments have piled themselves one on another to a point where I find that I've built a case against our Father just trying to figure out what has gone on. It causes me to catastrophize situations that should be easy to handle. And what has happened to my soul has been a steady and slow reduction in spiritual caloric intake; at times an "air and water only" diet.
I work among such seemingly tough construction workers who live whole heartedly for their gods and have a measure of satisfaction doing it. There is certainly pleasure in sin for a season. But so often I walk the job site on the verge of tears wondering if I have the answer to the questions in their eyes as it is so aptly worded in the Psalms as well; "...and men have said, 'where is your God'"? I continue to pray for them when their mom's have cancer, their backs and knees are caving in to the years of abuse the work has wrought. I see the drug addicted and the lonely around me and then see in them my own addictive struggles often brought on by the same loneliness in vain attempts to mask pain. And I wonder, are death and heaven the only solutions to this mess? I know where I'm going. And I know how much better things will be. But I struggle on, trusting that my distant God will either heal or take me home as I am.
Forgive me for the portion of this that is based in self pity. And thank you for the portion that is real, and specifically this morning, your role in assisting a brother to see.
I love you.
David
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Stephen!
Even as I read your most recent entry, I still cry out to God for your healing. Your suffering is beyond my comprehension. I'm sorry I don't know how to respond to you anymore, and apologize if I seem like a "dunce" to you...but I truly do love you, and have always loved you as my brother.
Laurie
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Stephen,
Your writing stirs me deeply. Clearly the Spirit has inspired much of what you laboriously type. In the name of Jesus, may the Lord give you what you ask of Him!
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Stephen,
I'm thinking about you today and praying as each day comes and then leaves. Thank you for your courage - even though you may not feel that it's much like courage. Thank you for your testimony - even though you may not feel it as such. Thank you for the challenges you've placed in my heart - even though you may not have intended that.
There is only one thing we take with us when our time here on earth is over and that is our reputation and who we were in Christ. Nothing else even matters and you've become a great example to many with those things.
Always praying for you, brother.
Jim Bugg
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Oh dearest Stephen
I would love to carry some of your weight. Your burden is unbelievable.. I want you to know that I remember you with joy and respect. I'm sure you are as great a man as you were a kid.
Love and love and lots of love from your cousin in Denmark
Charlotte
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There are types of events that have the capacity to effect change in the course of a persons life, and the trip to Denmark to meet my family was one such event.
I was suddenly part of a bigger family than my own narrow view of what a family was. You helped me see beyond the narrow confines of borders and distance to see that blood knows no boundaries; family simply IS. Thank you for sticking your comment out here, and for your kindness.
Stephen Host (proud to be your cousin)
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Don't make me blush. I promised my crying mother to send her love. This christmas we watched baby-pictures of you - cutie-pie. Will you please give Karin & Frede my regards. I will dig into your blog in trying to know you better.
Thinking about you, Stephen
C.
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Yeah, Stephen we're all here, praying -- I'll be doing some of that this morning.
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Stephen,
A lesson I have learned from you is that a lot of the time people just need love.
With the little advice or life experience(well maybe thats a lie) this seventeen year old has, I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
Praying,
Ali
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Stephen, I know you don't know me. I'm Alvin Epp's niece. I've met you a few times and you know my brother Braden. I just want to say thank you for making an impact on my brother's life. I know he loves you, and respects you for all that you've done for him. I have seen changes in him because of you. You are wonderful and strong. thank you for you. i'll be praying for you. Maybe when you get to heaven, you can say hi to my father who is already there.
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hello Stephen, Jacklyn and children,
I dream what our Savior and Lord Jesus dreams for you. You are all very precious to Him, I don't give up hope, He is FOR each one of you, and loves each one of you dearly,
that's what I know,
I feel His heart beating for each of you as one, as this family is tied with His cord of love... just listen.......
It's His....Love, it's truth.......it's eternal...
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